I Had Done the Unthinkable
I did things to “Fit In.” I started smoking in 7th grade. I started drinking. I was longing for attention. I was pregnant. I agreed to have an abortion. It became our dark shameful secret. I lost all feelings in my heart until… I grew up in a small family and a small town, with my brother, sister and parents. We didn’t have much and I can remember feeling rejection from other kids at a very young age. I think that set in the idea of not really belonging, so as I grew up and gained a few friends I did things to “fit in” that I would regret.
I started smoking in 7th grade because my friends were doing it. I started drinking in 9th grade, again because my friends encouraged me to and I started having sex in 10th grade, because my boyfriend wanted me to. Looking back, I realize I was longing for attention, I wanted to have friends, to be accepted and be loved.
I was willing to do whatever I had to, so that I would not feel the feelings of rejection like I had as a young child. My family loved Jesus, but my mother was sick, and my dad was uninvolved unless mom started to yell, so I spent most of my time out with friends; that is where I looked to – to get my self-worth.
When I was 17 years old I began to date the popular boy in our town. He was handsome, privileged, popular and everyone wanted to associate in some way with him. By association, that meant I was popular too! We dated for almost 5 years and I thought I was in love. When I was 19, I found out that I was pregnant.
I was scared but at least I had finished high school. He was in university at the time and told me that he was not ready to start a family just yet and that he would not upset his family with any news like this, so I had one choice; I agreed to have an abortion. I remember that day so clearly, it was illegal in Canada, so we drove to Buffalo for the procedure.
Watching other girls going in and out of the clinic made me want to cry; I didn’t want to do this. I got on my knees in the waiting room and begged him to agree not to do this. He calmly told me now is not the time, and then, they called my name. So, to please…like I was so used to doing, I got up and walked in that cold room to give up my baby… I remember being given a needle or something to relax me, but it didn’t. As soon as it was over, I tried to jump off the table and run out of the room, but I was still under the influence from the drug they had given me. I wanted to hide; I had done the unthinkable. 1 John 1:9 says “If we confess our sins, HE is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
We didn’t talk much that long drive home and we never talked about it again. It became our dark shameful secret. Moving forward, I had to put a smile on my face and pretend like nothing was wrong, like I wasn’t dying inside, and a huge hole was not in my heart, but it was. I didn’t have anyone to talk to, anyone I could trust that would not judge me because I had already judged myself. I became numb to the feelings, but I would get emotional around others’ small children and never want to hold them in case I might tear up. My safeguard was to push the emotions down and forget.
Later I went off to college and got my education, when I was 21. The boy I thought I was in love with grew dim and we separated. I moved to a new big city and started a whole new life. I met another boy who again, I thought I had fallen in love with and we dated for two years. I made him my everything. I had pushed my friends out of my life for him. They were into a bad party scene, and I didn’t want to be a part of that anymore anyway.
After about a year of dating I became pregnant again. When I told him,
he had the same response, “not now, and if you go ahead anyway to keep the baby, you’re on your own”. Still weak in myself and afraid of rejection, I felt again like I had no choice. Philippians 4:19 says, “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” Oh, how I would come to know this verse very well!
Now at the age of 24, abortion had become legal; we drove to Toronto and we had involved my doctor this time. I had my 2nd abortion. After that, I lost all feeling in my heart. I went on with life like it was nothing. I remember being surprised that I was not as emotional as before.
1 Timothy 4:2 teaches about sin leading to a seared heart, so that we don’t feel the truth of our sin any longer (I still did not tell anyone about it as I was embarrassed and did not want to be shamed; I wanted to be loved and accepted) so I carried this secret with me as well.
About a year after that my sister was getting married and I was her maid of honour. I was so excited to be a part of something good in my family, (I was used to my family being odd or weird Jesus people). I got so mad when she told me that she was not going to have a typical wedding; she wanted to honour Jesus and not have alcohol or a DJ, but a jazz band instead.
That night I went home to my apartment in the city and in my anger, I started to yell out to God if he was listening…well he was. In 2 Corinthians 6:2, “for He says, at the acceptable time I listened to you, and on the day of salvation I helped you. Behold NOW is the time, the day of salvation.”
Just then the most amazing thing happened. I was drawn to pick up my bible that I got as a kid and a little card fell out with my name on it and the scripture Proverbs 31: 25-26, “Strength and honour are her clothing…she openeth her mouth with wisdom and in her tongue is the law of kindness.”
Suddenly, the atmosphere in my room changed and I could feel His tangible presence…it is comparable to when you walk into a room and
two people were just having a huge argument and you can tell something was going on. It was like that, but no one was with me, it was the Holy Spirit, and, in an instant, I knew it.
God was real, Jesus did come to die for my sin, all of my sin and I knew in that moment I needed to get right with Him. I had found my identity…In Christ!!!
The next day I drove to my mother’s house to tell her what had happened and when I walked into the house and looked at her, she gasped…looked intently at me….and said, “You have met Jesus!” I said yes, with tears in my eyes. How did you know? She said, I can see light in your eyes, they are not dark anymore, Praise God! John 8:12 says, “When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
A couple weeks later after a church service that I began attending I met my mother for a late snack at a restaurant; she had a message for me. She began to tell me that in her prayer time with Jesus, as she was praying for me, God spoke to her and told her that He was going to bless me and give me back what had been stolen…then she had a vision of me as a mother and I had twin girls with dirty blond hair. I did not tell my mother what I had been through or that I had had abortions; she had no way to know except through the Holy Spirit.
Isaiah 61:7 says, “Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land and everlasting joy will be yours.”
Jesus had begun my healing, he had seen my heart, what I had done, and he was bringing me hope for a good future and healing to my broken heart. Jesus does not want me to hide the pain or to live in shame, but to know who I am and walk out my salvation shouting from the roof tops that I am forgiven.
Sometime after that I was vacuuming in my house, I remember being so happy and singing praises to the Lord, then all of a sudden a deep
cry came from within my heart and I fell to my knees sobbing…harder than I had ever cried before, it came out of nowhere, but I knew that it was God, He was dealing with the rest of the pain and hurt that was in my heart from having abortions.
My healing was coming full circle; I needed to repent and because I had buried the pain so deep, it took a deep cry to release it and I was able after that day to forgive myself.
I want to encourage you to take your stand on the word of God. Become grounded, not in shame and dishonour, but rather in the love of Christ, being complete in Him.
Ask the Lord to work a healing miracle in your life, in your mind, will and emotions. Let him come in and fulfill what he came to do: To heal your broken heart, giving you beauty for ashes, joy for mourning, a garment of praise instead of heaviness and double honour for a double shame.” (Isaiah 61:1-3)