Why Me?

I was sexually abused.

I received a constant flow of harsh, derogatory, critical words.

I felt depressed, demoralized, unworthy, fearful, rejected, inadequate, and stupid.

I started eating compulsively.

I developed suicidal thoughts.

I was broken, beat down, and emotionally shattered.

I was a loving child. I loved to bring joy to others, picking flowers for family members, singing, dancing, and laughing. I was born in Montreal, Quebec, Canada and lived with my mother, father, older sister, and younger brother. I grew up Catholic, attending church every Sunday. I feared God and grew up with the belief that I needed to be a perfect girl in order to get to heaven. I thought that unless I was perfect, God would zap me with a lightning bolt or something! Continuously, I prayed that God would allow me to go to heaven. I yearned to be granted access to heaven. I just never knew how to get there.

At the age of three, I was sexually abused by a relative. Though too little to remember, I knew as I was growing up that something very wrong had happened to me. It was not until my adult years that this relative confessed to me what he had done to me when I was little. One Saturday, when I was five years old, my mother had me and my siblings babysat by her friend’s husband. My mother never suspected that this man was abusive. During nap time, he molested me. An open door of fear crashed over me.

Growing up in Montreal we would spend the summers at our summer

home by the lake, in the Laurentain Mountains. It was a wonderful place to grow up. I was sexually abused two summers in a row, at the ages of eight and nine, by another relative when they came to visit for their summer vacation.

One summer afternoon, when I was twelve, my parents sent the three of us to play with their friends’ children. I’m not sure where my parents were, but while my sister, brother, and the other children were down swimming and playing in the lake, I was up in their living room being molested by their dad. I could not understand why this kept happening to me. Why me?

During the summer when I was thirteen, we left Quebec and moved to Ontario. This was a huge change for all of us. My father left his own successful business to begin working as an employee for someone else. My mother, who had worked part time in the family company, now had to work full time in the corporate world. For me, I now had to face the challenge of an English-speaking culture. I was schooled up to grade 6 in French, not knowing how to read or write in English. I entered grade 7 as an ESL (English as a second language) student and had to work very hard through grade 8 and 9 to catch up with the English language.

At the age of 14, I was molested again. The abuse continued repeatedly for the next ten years. During my final years in elementary school and all throughout my high school years, there was constant tension in our family home. Along with the abuse, I also received a constant flow of harsh, derogatory, critical words. “Why can’t you be like the neighbour’s kids? Why can’t you be like other people? You will never amount to anything.” When I aspired with the dream of one day going to university, the response given to me was, “You are not university material.” I felt so depressed, demoralized, unworthy, fearful, rejected, inadequate, and stupid.

At the age of 15, I got involved in music. It became a great source of escape and comfort, as well as a way to get out of the house. In my late teens and early 20’s I became anorexic in order to whither my body away so that there would be less of me to be touched. I became very unhealthy, with my bones protruding in my back and chest. As a

way to help numb the pain from of all the abuse, the negative criticism, and the constant condemnation, I started eating compulsively. I used the food to comfort myself. I practiced bulimia daily for the next three years, before seeking help through a professional counselor.

The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He wants to thwart every good plan God has in place for His children. But God’s love is so much more powerful than the most evil schemes of the devil. The devil tried to take me out many times. Through the abuse of people, rejection, words of criticism, he tried to create in me a spirit of complete despair in an attempt to cause me to consider and entertain thoughts to end my own life. But God comes to give and restore.

At age 22, I was looking for a place to hide. While in my basement apartment in my parents’ home, I stood in the middle of the kitchen and saw two images: The first was Satan holding out a bottle of alcohol to me, saying, “Hide in here.” Fear gripped me. I knew that if I went down that route, I would drown in alcohol and be dead in less than three months.

The second image, on the other side of me, was Jesus. He was holding my oboe in His hands. In a loving voice, I heard Him say, “No, hide in here.” So, for the next three years, I consumed myself with a fulltime job in the day time and playing the oboe during the evenings. I became involved in eight orchestras. I attended rehearsals every night, with two rehearsals on Sundays. I was never home. That was the point.

By the time I reached the age of 24, when I should have been functioning at the height of my purpose and potential, I was operating in the opposite direction. I had developed suicidal thoughts. I had little value for myself. I was fearful all the time. Fear, anger, depression and indecision hovered over me constantly. I was broken, beat down, and emotionally shattered. I wanted out! In complete emotional distress, I made a phone call to a counselor. Within one week, I confided in the counselor, moved out of my family home, moved in with my sister, disclosed to my family my life of abuse, and moved into my very first apartment. The following year, I entered University

with my oboe majoring in Music performance and minoring in English. I graduated four years later with honors, defying the lies spoken over me growing up.

During my second year of University, I met a woman at a meeting for food addiction. She point blank presented me with two options: God either is, or He is not. “You need to pick one,” she said. Since I was still alive and should have died at 24, I decided that God is. She went on to say, “If He is, you need to accept everything about Him, whether you understand it or not. If He is not, then you need to dismiss everything about Him.”

Growing up Catholic, I knew of Jesus. I just never knew about having a personal relationship with Him. I consented to accept everything about Jesus, even though I did not understand any of it. Then I was given the clincher. Since God is, unless I turned my will and my life over to Jesus, I would go back out into the food addiction. Now I felt absolutely caught between a rock and a hard place. I grew up believing such a lie about God and fearing God: Unless I was perfect, I would go to hell. I now had to face both fears: my fear of God and my fear of going back out into the food addiction!

A week later, on a Monday in November, I parked my car at the University, got out of the car, and walked along the narrow pathway leading up to the music building. I paused. I just wanted to be accepted, loved, approved of, and valued for who I was. I was so tired of striving all the time. I was done. I was ready to surrender all of me and my entire broken life over to Jesus.

Standing still, I looked up into the sky towards God and said, “Ok, God, I do not know what You are going to do with me, but here it goes!” I surrendered my life and all of me. I submitted my will over to Jesus, my Saviour and Friend. Instantly, a very large burden lifted off my shoulders. A peace washed over me, and a joy unspeakable came upon me. I was completely set free! All I remember was feeling so set free that I felt like I had floated through each part of my day all day. At the end of the day, I recall returning to my car, looking in the rear-view mirror with a grin on my face from ear to ear! That rear- view mirror was quite significant because that is exactly what happens

when we receive Jesus. My past was behind me, and Jesus was before me. I am now living the life that was intended and specifically designed for me to live all along! I am finally living a life of great purpose and power. For the first time in my life, I felt all the pressure lift off of me and a flood of peace consume me. I felt so light. It was glorious!

Upon receiving Jesus, I surrendered myself to Him in every area of my life. I got rid of all the binge foods I had around the house. I got rid of my scale because I had become a slave to the numbers on it. I threw out all music albums that did not exalt or edify the name of Jesus. I filled a number of bags with clothing from my closet that were either too big or too small for me. I got rid of the ones that I told myself I would someday fit into if I just dieted long enough, and I got rid of the clothes that I might need when I found myself too many pounds overweight. Today, I only have one set of clothes – the ones that fit me well TODAY. I do not worry about my weight going up or down because it has remained consistent over the past twenty-five years! I still wear a pair of pants that I wore over twenty-five years ago! Some styles never go out of fashion!

After receiving Jesus and growing in my intimacy with Him, I was getting very tired of carrying around my “backpack” of resentments and hurts towards my abusers. I was given a copy of the “resentment prayer,” and for the first time I allowed myself to pray a prayer of forgiveness. It was the most freeing thing I had experienced, apart from receiving Jesus. I repeated that prayer for months. After several years passed, the amazing day finally came when I had enough and no longer wanted to hold all my anger against my abusers. I prayed, “Jesus, from this day forth, I no longer hold any charges against my abusers. I choose to let go of all the hurt, resentment, and bitterness. I choose to forgive them and hold it against them no more. I place all of these wounds at your feet, Jesus.”

In that amazing moment of complete release, I felt such a freedom and a great flood of joy fill my heart. I was set free! I felt a new wave of love and incredible joy I had never known before! There have been times when the enemy has come to my ear, taunting me with accusations and lies, “Look at him, he gets to go free, and all that he

made you suffer, destroying your whole life.” Immediately, I choose to stand on the truth of God’s word, that forgiveness is a choice, and that I have chosen to forgive my abusers because Jesus forgave me. “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you.” -Matthew 6:14

God’s love is more powerful than any abuse, rejection, abandonment, negative criticism, deception, mistreatment, hurt, loneliness, addiction, or self-mutilation. God’s love restores all things into proper alignment. God’s love makes all things new. I have been made brand new. I am a new creation. Jesus took all the broken pieces of my life and has given me a brand new life. He has given me a brand new me. If you find yourself in a similar situation as I was in, needing the Love of God to come and wash away all the hurt in your life, cry out to Him. He is listening to you with open arms ready to flood you with His love. God, in Jesus name, I thank You for the love You have for this precious reader right now. It is by no mistake that they are reading my story today. Fill them with Your Mighty, Powerful, Life-changing love right now. Wash them clean from all the stress, pain, trauma, hurt, despair, addiction, rejection, abuse, and from all the lying, deceiving, destructive words the enemy has spoken over them. Receive God’s love right now, in Jesus’ name.