“Fantasy Prone Personality”
I was born with a vision disability. In kindergarten, the rejection from others began. I felt stupid. I was ignored at school and bullied at home. I was rejected, neglected, abandoned, and experienced trauma. I was almost murdered, which led to more fear and depression. At 24, I felt really lost, purposeless, angry, and depressed, until… I am the second child of five from Six Nations Reserve, Ontario, Canada. I was born with a vision disability. I grew up most of my life with feelings of rejection. My humble beginnings started with fear and trauma from violence. My parents drank a lot, which often resulted in fights, arguing, shouting, physical abuse, doors slamming, things smashed, police visits, and extended family visits to aunts due to being removed from the home. My grandmother took us to church often, and that was our only place we could find peace. However, when I was 13, she passed away and we stopped going to church. Yes, we had some good times as a family, but my parents' drinking cycle and fighting went on forever.
In kindergarten, the rejection from others began. Being visually impaired, the teachers didn't know what to do with me. I sat at the back coloring, as the other kids sat in the front learning the basics. I repeated kindergarten at the School for the Blind and Visually Impaired in Branford, Ontario, Canada. Even my Sunday School teacher kept putting me back in kindergarten. I felt stupid. I was ignored at school and bullied at home. My own siblings teased and made fun of me. They even pushed me around and called me a retard. I never understood why. At school, I would hang out with whoever would hang out with me, which wasn't many.
From a young age I developed something called “fantasy prone personality.” As child, I was rejected, neglected, abandoned and
experienced trauma. I started to escape through a fantasy world, playing with dolls, pretending they were real. This was my escape, even into my adulthood. In a residential high school, rejection and insecurity continued, even with the staff who were unfair and cruel because I was not white. I wanted to fit in and be a cool kid. I knew I was an outcast, and I tried really hard to get people's attention, even if I were to make a fool of myself. I tried everything, but it wasn't working. Maybe people didn't like me because I was not white. Most people thought natives were dumb drunks, living on welfare.
I never had a boyfriend and felt left out at dances. I had started stealing and lying to my family and friends at school, saying that I had a boyfriend. I kept my feelings inside, so I wasn't going to tell them that I was a loser at school. I was living a lie.
At 19, I was tired of my parents drinking and fighting. I wanted to get my own apartment like some of my friends. My family never thought that I would be independent, manage my own money, or have my own will. The devil's plan was to keep me from God's purpose for my life. That summer, I had a frightening experience one night during a bad storm. A neighbor guy came to our house when the power was out and tried to touch me in a wrong way. I went to my bedroom, locked the door, and then moved my dresser in front of it. He went to the kitchen to grab a knife and tried to get in. He was unsuccessful and went home, but another big fear took hold of me.
In September, I ended up in the woman's shelter for three months. They helped me find my first apartment. I started partying with my school friends and having them over, getting drunk. One night, I was almost murdered, which led to more fear and depression. At 24, I felt really lost, purposeless, angry, and depressed. I couldn't take it anymore and went to an outpatient facility, wanting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I often thought, “What if I died? Would I go to hell?” I didn't know God was tugging at my heart. A Christian lady there invited me to dinner and a campfire service. She talked with me about God, but I didn't understand. When we were singing and praying holding hands, she asked if I would like to accept Jesus as my Savior. I said, “Yes.” I began to learn about being a sinner and that Jesus died on the cross to forgive me all my sins. I accepted Him
on August 29, 2004 and knew that I was headed for heaven. I was baptized in October and started attending church regularly.
Once I was saved, I was set free from seizures, depression, verbal abuse, bullying, and pornography. The only downfall is I thought everyone who goes to church is nice and would be nice to me and be my friend. I was still battling rejection. Even in church, not many could be bothered with me. I couldn't understand why and was very discouraged. Once I got saved, I thought life would be a walk in a park, but it wasn't. I can say confidently that I am learning to get through my problems a lot easier now that I can call on God for help.
At school, I had been taking choir and piano lessons. God was preparing me with a gift of singing and praising Him to be used for His glory. I started living life with a purpose and with new interests including cooking, photography, and the biggest thing of all to be a business woman. Having been stripped so low in my self-confidence, I would never have thought that I could do all of these things that Satan tried to stop me from doing.
Even though I was growing stronger in the Lord, I returned to my fantasy thinking, or being angry at God for my impaired vision. I was feeling lost when I was already saved. God's grace is helping me find hope and love every day that He wakes me up! No matter how hard it gets for me, I choose to fight the good fight and keep my eyes on the prize, which is eternal life. God is teaching me that as hard as life is and as much as it hurts, it will be a vague memory. One day, there will be no more sadness or sickness or pain! All of our tears will be wiped away! That is what I cling to, God's love for me!
Jeremiah 29:11: “I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans not for harm but to give you a hope and a future.”