Fame, Fortune, and Voices
I found myself way up high in a tree, with a rope around my neck. As a young child, I had been sexually molested. I endured continual verbal abuse. I became involved in drugs, pornography, and witchcraft. The tormenting voices in my head continued to haunt me. Drug abuse and sexual promiscuity left me hopeless. One day at the age of fourteen, I found myself standing at the edge of a tree branch, 25 feet high up in the air with a rope around my neck. The tormenting voices in my head echoed the words “Jump, and we will leave you alone!” Just as I was about to take the leap that I believed would bring me peace and would silence the voices in my head, something happened. It was the rattling sound of the front gate of my home, signaling the arrival of my mother and sister. For a few brief seconds, I became conscious of the insanity of what I had been contemplating. I quickly stepped away from the edge of the tree branch and removed the rope from around my neck. That one suicide attempt would not be the only one in my lifetime. There would be others.
As a young child, I had been sexually molested by babysitters. I did not fully understand the gravity of what had taken place. Those incidents would plague me in later years with shame, rejection, and worthlessness.
I grew up with a single mom who at times was mentally and emotionally unstable. In fits of rage, she would often say that I was worthless and would be better off dead than alive. She was a very broken and tormented woman. The saying is true… “Hurt people, hurt people.”
As a teenager, I became involved in drugs, pornography, and witchcraft. My family was involved in occult arts. They practiced casting spells, consulting the dead, and palm reading. It was all I knew, and it was all they knew. I became a third generation Rosicrucian, believing that this was the pathway to enlightenment. Little did I know, this was really a pathway to darkness and enslavement.
In the midst of it all, I believed that fame and fortune would be the way to be set free from the haunting voices in my head. I pursued a career as a clothing designer. I hoped that someday I would become famous and acquire great wealth, recognition, and a peace that would somehow silence the tormenting voices of my soul.
My hope for fame and fortune seemed to elude me as the tormenting voices in my head continued to haunt me. At the age of 27, the pursuit of fame and fortune led me to Las Vegas Nevada. The voices had followed me as well. I lived a life there of continual drug abuse and sexual promiscuity. It left me empty and hopeless. No matter what I tried to do to silence the voices, they continued to haunt me.
One day, a cloud of deep depression covered my soul. The tormenting voices called out to me saying, “If you take your life, you will find rest. No longer will you be tormented.” I knelt by my bedside in utter despair. Beside me was a bottle of Quaaludes, my doorway to what I believed would bring me peace and finally silence the tormenting voices.
As I knelt there, I spoke these words to God as best I knew how. I said, “God if You are real, please reveal Yourself to me. If you don’t, then all I have are these pills that speak to me of a peace that I can only find in death. I don’t want to live anymore.”
Hope within me had escaped likened unto air that leaves a punctured air balloon. Suddenly, I felt two hands touch my shoulders. I looked around to see if there was someone there, but there was no one. Yet the touch of those hands upon my shoulders was undeniable. A wave of a great peace embraced my whole being. As that happened, I broke down and started to cry uncontrollably. There on my knees, I cried and cried for what seemed like hours. Eventually, I crawled into my bed,
and cried myself to sleep in a fetal position.
In the days that followed, I found myself at the Las Vegas Convention Center where a Billy Graham Crusade was taking place. There for the first time in my life, I heard of the life changing good news of Jesus Christ, the one who took my place on a cross to pay the penalty of my sins. That day, I heard that I was dead in my sins and on my way to be eternally separated from God in a place called hell. I also heard that if I repented of my sins and believed in Christ, I could receive from Him the gift of the forgiveness of my sins and have the assurance of eternal life. That day, Sunday, November 23, 1980, I was resurrected from the dead and made alive in Christ as a new creation. I repented of my sins and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
The fame and fortune that I had once pursued in the hope of it bringing me peace, had now been exchanged for the fame and fortune found in Christ. The eternal riches of his grace abound with a peace that this world cannot give.
“What does it profit a man if he should gain the whole world yet should lose his soul?” -Mathew 16:26
No longer do the voices of hell torment and afflict my soul. Now, in exchange for those voices, I have found the peaceful sweet voice of the Holy Spirit, who continually through Christ empowers me to walk in freedom from the slavery of sin. He comforts my soul with the eternal assurance of his unchanging and merciful love.
Today I can forgive, as I have been forgiven, one reconciled to God, reconciled to myself, and reconciled to others, by the grace of God given to me, through the finished work of Jesus Christ. He stands at the door of your heart calling you home, no matter where you have been. No matter what you have done, no matter how deep the pit, no matter how dark the dungeon, He is able to rescue you, deliver you, set you free, cleanse you, forgive you, and make you whole.
“If anyone be in Christ they are a new creation, old things have passed away, behold all things have become new.” -2 Corinthians 5:17
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love cast out fear, because fear has torment, he that fears is not made perfect in love.” -1 John 4:18
“For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.” - John 3:16
“Do you know that no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born again?” -John 3
“He stands knocking at the door of your heart. Saying come unto me all you who are weighed down and burdened and I will give you rest, eternal rest, eternal forgiveness, eternal life, eternal love.” -Mathew 11:28
He awaits your response.