Did You Ever Wish You Weren’t Born?
I had these feelings all the time.
My parents split up when I was two years old.
My dad was an abusive alcoholic, diagnosed with bipolar and schizophrenic tendencies.
I remember my mom and I hiding in the bathroom or bedroom behind a locked door to get away from his violent outbursts.
I was often lonely.
We lost everything and were living in a shelter.
I had separation anxiety when I started school.
Did you ever wish you weren’t born? Sometimes, I felt this way. At one point in my life, I had these feelings all the time. Growing up wasn’t easy. My parents split-up when I was two years old. My dad was an abusive alcoholic, diagnosed with bipolar and schizophrenic tendencies. He was in and out of jail, rehabs, and detox centers. He couldn’t hold down a job because of his addiction and mental health issues. His drinking grew worse overtime. I remember my mom and I hiding in the bathroom or bedroom behind a locked door to get away from his violent outbursts. I was terrified of him when he drank. He became an angry violent person. Luckily, my two older sisters weren’t around during these drunken episodes. He often claimed he couldn’t remember what he did, but that’s no excuse for the hell he put us through. His violence was directed at my mom, but on some occasions he hurt me.
My mom had enough of his abuse and drinking and threw him out for
good. My mom was depressed a lot and spent a lot of time sleeping. I was often lonely. My dad wasn’t in my life, and my older sisters were in school. When I was four years old, we lost everything. We were living in a shelter on the reserve. I felt confined and smothered while living in the shelter. We had no freedom. We stayed there for three months and then moved back into the city. Life was better when we left the shelter. I started school but still had fears of men because of my dad. I had separation anxiety when I started school. I didn’t want to be away from my mom. She was the comfort and security in my life. Thankfully, I had a good teacher who helped me ease into school slowly. My mom told her what our life had been like in the past. My teacher was very understanding as she had went through pretty much the same thing as me when she was growing up.
When I turned seven years old, my dad wanted to build a relationship with me. My mom allowed me to visit him if he wasn’t drinking. She didn’t trust him when he drank and didn’t want anymore trauma in my life. It was around this time my mom and I were watching a video on YouTube one Sunday morning. The video was a story of a young woman being taken to heaven and hell by Jesus. The video made such an impact on me and mom. We both felt the same way. Neither of us wanted to end up in hell. By some miracle, right at that moment a preacher was on TV shouting, “If you want salvation, repeat this prayer.”
My mom and I knelt down in the living room and said the prayer, not knowing how much our lives would change. I felt happier and calmer than I had in a while. We began attending church six months later. I enjoyed church at first but became worried about some of the teachings. I became afraid every time I thought of eternal life and even cried myself to sleep sometimes. I was worried about my unsaved family members and also the persecution I might face over my beliefs. The enemy (Satan) had me paralyzed with fear. I stopped going to church and questioned my faith. My mom supported me through these times by talking and teaching me of God’s great love for us. My fears were eased, and I started attending church again. I also began going to Indiana with my mom and others to the Real Life Stories meetings. The meetings were great. They helped build up my faith and gave me a desire to want to save the lost. I’m only 12 years old, but I want to help bring people to the Lord anyway I can. I’m praying more often, and
my prayers are being answered. I want to continue growing in the word, seeking God’s kingdom, and building a relationship with Jesus. I had doubts and worries, but through God’s help I’ve overcome all my problems.